The transition from Winter to Spring (or Sprinter here... we actually had snow a few days last week) has been a rough one. There was a lot of death, and a lot of sadness. People are healing, slowly - and I think as a whole people are coming out of this winter haze - finally feeling the warmth of sunlight on their faces - renewing their desire for life. I know, for me, it has.

I've started seeing a counselor. I think this is something I've needed for a long time, but because of past experiences, have stayed away from. I don't open up easily to people - especially strangers. But I feel that if I want to move on in my life, get healthy - I need to get my emotional and mental state healthy, not just my physical state. I can eat better and exercise all I want - but if the demons of my past are still there haunting me - it's just a continuation of the same old cycle. It has to stop. Not dealing with my past and coming to terms with it has held me back in so many ways. I have to find a way to forgive people from my past, but also forgive myself for the bad choices I've made in my life. What's done is done - I can't change that. But I have to change my attitude about my past in order to move forward. I've been stuck in 1998 for so long, I don't know that I've lived the past near 20 years of my life fully.

Meditation is helping some. I'm quick to anger, and it's become increasingly (and dangerously) worse over the past few years. I recognize that about myself - I'm certainly not in denial about my behavior. Or my language. I'm afraid if I don't break this cycle now, eventually I'm going to hurt someone. I definitely don't want that. No one wants to be around a person who is angry all the time. So, between seeking counseling, meditation, eating better, and exercise - I hope that I can improve my emotional self into a more relaxed and happy person.

One thing I'm most afraid of is being left in the dust as my husband also makes a personal journey of his own. For years we've "tried" (and I say that loosely) getting healthy. We've gone paleo, gluten free, low carb, calorie counting, even bought into the hip hop abs and other fitness bullshit you get roped into on late night television. We decided to keep media out of it. Just eat healthy. Just walk every day. Drink water. See what happens. He's lost 14 lbs in three weeks. I'm incredibly happy for him - but he has tremendously less weight to lose than I do. I'm afraid of being left behind. Or replaced. Or both.

I know it seems ridiculously silly, I know that he loves me and supports me - but there is still lingering fear - that "what if" in the back of your mind.

Reducing stress in our lives is a big part of this. We've been so engulfed in other peoples drama for so long, that it was starting to consume our lives. Not to mention work stress and drama.

Exercise. Eat healthy. Drink water. Reduce stress. Talk to someone. Meditate. Find quiet time. Breathe. Remember to focus on Just Today. These are things that need to be front and center in my life. Tomorrow is only as threatening as today I allow it to be.


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