In some ways I think I still have a 10 year old trapped inside of me, desperately wanting acceptance and love. Some days, it's a 15 year old who wants to be understood but refuses to let anyone in. All these things, all this bullshit baggage - these things have made me who and what I am. And I'm (slowly) beginning to believe for once in my life that, I am NOT a bad person. I'm a slightly broken person who is trying to make the best of bad situations, and live as happily and as healthily as possible.
I'm pushing myself to come out of this titanium bunker I've built around myself. I'm very introverted and shy - which most people don't believe because normally I'm pretty loud, opinionated, and snarky. But that's a facade for what is happening on the inside. I'm TERRIFIED of people. I'm terrified of being judged, so to create a distraction from that, I make jokes and sarcastic comments about myself or situations. Unfortunately, I've become really good at being "the bitch" of the party. If people only knew how so not true that is. I didn't excel at theater for no good reason. I've become a master at putting on masks to fit situations and people.
One of the things that is very hard for me to do still is good self talk. I think we all have those days where we get out of bed and think "Fuck this shit, I'm too (insert negative self image here) to go outside of the house today". I know I have those days often. I have days where I refuse to look in the mirror because I know I won't be happy with what I see. But, those thoughts are toxic. You don't realize how toxic until you are physically unable to look in the mirror and FORCE yourself to say something positive about you. I struggle with this. While I may be coming to the realization that I'm not a bad person, that I didn't deserve the things I lived through - I still have trouble acknowledging that while I may be over weight - I am by no means defined by a number on a scale. In my heart I know this to be true. But my mind... it goes to very dark places like: You're too fat to be married. You're too fat to find another job that makes you less miserable. You're fat because you're weak. You are ugly. You are worthless. You are nothing.
Spending nearly 20 years of my life repeating those thoughts to myself is a hard cycle to break. And the biggest fear I have, and perhaps any of us have, is failure. Failure to lose weight. Failure to make something of myself. Failure to be a good person, or good friend, or good daughter. I haven't failed at these things. Success isn't a straight line from the bottom up. It's zig zags, and stumbles, and making mistakes to learn from. I haven't failed. I've grown.
Exercise. Eating healthier. Laughing. Meditating. Gardening. Playing with my cats. Spending time with my husband. Making new friends. Letting go of old hurts and grudges. These are the things that get me through each day. The more I forgive, the less weighed down I feel. The more I accept as truth, the less the "I can't" thoughts appear.
It's a slow process. I don't think I will ever be a person who won't need help getting passed my past. But I do think I will become a stronger person by over coming these things that have so long been an anchor keeping me at bay.
So, my point is... don't be so hard on yourself, and realize that everyone has those "Fuck this shit" days. It's how we over come those moments that define us as people. We can either allow them to swallow us whole - or we can dust ourselves off, and keep going.
I know there is more to my story than these negative things. What will your story be?