Finding belief in myself

I don't give up easily. I never have. I have a fight in me that is tremendous, and powerful. I beat the proverbial horse to death, just to make sure I've given it every go I can. But when something is dead and gone - it's gone. It's time to move on.

It's no big secret that my job makes me miserable. One thing I am terrible at is "letting go" of things - whether I have power over them or not. I take personal responsibility and personal investment in every single thing that happens - because I feel that if I don't do these things, I have somehow failed. It was a struggle, but I've finally learned how to let go - at least, at my job.

I turned in my notice. Unfortunately I made the decision to leave my job the exact same day another person in our office gave her two week notice. Our GM was beside himself with that blow - it (almost) derailed my decision to turn in mine. I waited five days, rethought my plan, and came up with a fair solution. I gave me notice - with enough time for the company to find someone to replace me. Someone I can train. My last "day" is October 2nd.

I was terrified - I may have cried (a lot) - but in the end I had to do what was best for me - for my health - for my marriage. This job was changing me into someone I didn't like. It was draining every ounce of kindness from me. I have been bitter, and jaded, frustrated, angry, and hostile. I didn't like who I was becoming. And I know that this is not "it" for me. I know my purpose on this planet is not to sell metal roofing the rest of my life. I have so much more to give.

The past few weeks after giving my notice have been freeing. I've let things go... I've stopped making everything my personal responsibility. I come in, I do my job, I leave. And that is how a non-management position should be. I stepped down as inside sales manager for a very specific reason. I like being a worker bee.

The change I've seen in myself since making this decision, and holding my ground is I am happier. I'm not as volatile. I am sleeping. I have energy and desire to do things. I'm going to the gym 4-5 nights a week. I've lost 25 lbs. I like the direction I am going, and I feel better about my future. I don't feel stuck, or in a rut - I just feel excited to start a new chapter in my life - with my husband.

I was told that there is a different affect to me, that I'm more approachable. I hope that is the case since the past 6 years I've been a pretty angry person. I don't like being angry all the time. Who does? It's exhausting. I've found an inner peace that I didn't know I had anymore. The more I accept the things I can not change - the happier I have become. I've let go of a lot of old resentment, and I'm learning to put the "not my problem" issues back on the people it belongs with.

I've lived most of my life thinking that there was something incredibly wrong with me. I believed I was stupid, worthless, ugly, and that I wouldn't amount to anything. I've believed that I was lazy, and incompetent, self absorbed, and ignorant. It's no wonder I've had such a hard time with good self talk when you have all these negatives running around your brain. I am none of these things. I'm no saint, and I'm no Einstein - but I'm certainly a good person with a great deal of knowledge. I have a lot to offer, now I'm just searching for the right opportunity to share my experiences and my knowledge base in the right setting. I'm meant to do more than sell metal roofing.

My husband and I have been really focused on our health since my leg scare a few months ago. Nothing has ever terrified me more than the prospect of losing my ability to walk. So I walk. I walk a lot. I lift weights. I'm building muscle in my body. I'm pushing myself to limits. I'm using hurtful words and situations from my past as fuel to fight for what I want in my life.

25 LBS down, I'm now benching 70 lbs and dead lifting 70 lbs. When I first started I could barely lift the bar without weight on it. Progress.

Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.

I am strong. I am brave. I will succeed.

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