The struggle is real
Last weekend we lost our baby Betsy. We had gone away to New Jersey for Thanksgiving - when we came back on Saturday, we found Betsy had crawled inside one of our sofas. She was dying. I cried uncontrollably. We got her into the emergency clinic, but they told us there was nothing that could be done for her. She most likely had cancer, and she was trying to pass on her own. We held her for a while... but we could see she was in pain. Sunday morning we buried her with our bunnies that passed away over the years. This spring I want to turn that area into a memorial place or a quiet place for me to go to be with them. I'll add more bushes and flowers, and a bench.
As I've mentioned before, I am an emotional eater. It has been very hard (topped off with Holiday food) to stay on track. To say I've been keeping my t's crossed and my i's dotted would be a lie. I've slipped into the old habit of eating my feelings - and I have been consciously doing it. As much as my heart still hurts, and as much as I want to keep feeding that sorrow - I can't. I'm not willing to give back those 43 lbs I've worked so very hard to take off. It's time to start over.
Every day that you wake up you have the choice to make it a fresh start. I'm sad, I'm depressed, I want to fill the void of emptiness with food. I want my cat back. But I can't have her back. And I can't fill that emptiness with things that are killing me.
Tomorrow is a chance to chose differently.
I laugh as I write that because tomorrow we are having a good bye party for one of my co-workers whose last day is tomorrow. I made low carb pizza's - but others are bringing cake, and soda, cheese puffs, chips, etc. All I can do is make what I know is healthy for me, and pray that my addiction to these other things doesn't over take my common sense.
I'm still going to therapy - but I feel like I've been letting myself down, not focusing on myself as much as I should be. I'm letting a lot of things slide. Getting up early, eating healthy, and working out regularly - three very important things for me to continue with. I have to get my head back in the right mind set. I have to get out of this slump.
I am finding that I struggle with words to even write. Like that light is starting to die slowly inside me. I hate that feeling. I know what to do to fix it - why can't I get out of my own head?
Do you ever find that when you're winding down for the day - that's when your body and mind are going a million miles a minute, and suddenly you have the grandest ideas, and are motivated to run a marathon? Like, right now... I want to put my running shoes on and go run in the rain. My mind (while not really motivated to update my blog unfortunately) wants to write and epic novel, or haiku, or hell, a letter that gushes my soul like a bleeding artery.
It must be time for a mental health day to myself. No work. No husband. No friends. No facebook. Me, my cats, meditation music, and writing. Perhaps if I write words on a page long enough, I'll develop something that resembles art. Or maybe I will develop me.