Having a bleh day?
Last night we worked out pretty hard. I had been sick this past week, as was my husband, so we didn't really "push" it at the gym. Last night was good, I felt good, and was happy we went. Though, I was having a "fat girl at the gym" kind of evening. I knew I was doing something good for myself, but at the same time, I felt horrifically fat (well, fatter than I am) and sort of bleh. That "bleh" moved into today as well. Even as I sit here typing, I'm looking down and am wondering - why does my stomach seem more distended today?? What is going on? Perhaps I'm retaining water for some reason, that could be it. But it's not discouraging me.
I got up this morning, I made coffee - I did some beginner basic yoga to stretch my arms, legs, and torso out. It felt ** good ** to stretch. I don't stretch enough, I think. That may be partly why I cramp so much. I did some squats with my exercise ball against the wall - then I did a different type of squat using the ball on the floor, and hand weights. I always feel better after I do some exercise. It makes me question why I fought it so hard in the past.
Before we went to the gym last night, I watched the video that is making rounds on the internet by Nicole Arbour titled "Dear Fat People". I guess my reaction is the exception, not the rule, when it comes to peoples reactions to her video. Now, before I post this - I'm going to state upfront - I do NOT condone what this woman did or said in her video. I have PCOS, I am fat, I have lived with an eating disorder for almost my entire life. I do not tolerate or condone bullying. But I also do not let other people like Nicole Arbour dictate how I feel about myself, anymore.
This is what I posted on my facebook today in regards to the video.
Okay, I have to address this because clearly the world is ending because a pretty, thin chick posted a video about fat people. You know what? Who the fuck cares.
Maybe if we stop pacifying each other and deliver some brutal honesty - perhaps people might change. Perhaps allowing people to believe that they are not killing themselves with food is part of the problem.
I am 100% for positive body image. I am 100% for people being happy as they are, and who they are. What I am not ok with is pretending that being big and beautiful DOESN'T come with health risks. Being obese is NOT ok. Being obese isn't empowering. It's a CHOICE. And while we all have the right to chose how we want to live - we also have to accept the consequences of those choices.
I've lived almost my ENTIRE LIFE over weight. Maybe it was the 12 years at Blue Mountain Union of being bullied and harassed ** every day of my life ** for being over weight that gave me a thick skin. But as a fellow "fat person" I will not sit here and say that I am healthy, even if I am loving myself, my body, and my journey as I am traveling now.
It has taken 35 years for me to come to this point where I finally LOVE MYSELF enough to CHANGE. To care about my health, my mind, and my body. To also acknowledge that my choices don't only affect me - but they affect my family, my friends, and society as a whole.
Part of caring about each other is caring enough about yourself to make healthy choices. Maybe if I had ONE FRIEND 20 years ago that was THAT brutally honest with me and didn't pacify me with shit like "Oh you're just big boned" or "You'll grow out of the weight!" MAYBE just MAYBE I would have woke up sooner. Don't pacify people - no matter what the issue. Drinking, smoking, drugs, eating disorders - you're doing people a disservice when you don't tell people the truth. Be honest. Be brutally honest. It's the only way.
Now, with this being said - I do not condone nor do I agree with bullying people, being disrespectful to people, or being an ignorant asshole about subjects that you clearly know nothing about. I do, however, believe it is our responsibility as people to ensure that those in our lives understand and recognize that poor choices, and bad behavior - whether it be eating disorders, drug addiction, alcoholism, etc - is not something that is "ok".
Lets say you have a family member or a friend that is headed down a dangerous road with heroin. Do you pacify that person and say "Oh it's ok, you'll grow out of it" or "Don't worry, you'll get board with that stuff eventually, and then you'll kick the habit.". No. You wouldn't do that. You would fight, scream, cry, beg, bargain, and sometimes bribe that person to STOP what they are doing that will ultimately kill them. We see this every day, yet we as a society put blinders on because we think it's "not our place" to say anything.
Fuck that shit.
If it isn't our place to say anything - whose place is it? And when will that person show up? Will they show up before it's too late?
We keep hoping and waiting for someone else to make the first step towards awareness. Eating disorders, obesity, drugs, alcoholism - it's all linked. They are all addictions. And they SHOULD BE talked about. They SHOULD BE brought to light. There is no shame in that. There is no shame in saying "I'm addicted to food, and I need help". There are millions of people who suffer from some form of addiction.
Yet, telling a fat person that their choices are not only affecting their own health, but also affecting their family, friends, etc - it's frowned upon.
Why? Why is it NOT ok to tell someone that what they are doing to themselves is dangerous? That it's hurting them, and others?
Believe me - I know all about eating disorders. I know all about fat shaming, and being bullied, and how terrible it feels to be on the receiving end of it. But I also know the strength I have in myself - the strength I have found in myself through the commitment and determination of others - that those words from people who have no idea what my health is, what my history is, what my path is - those words FUEL me. They are what keep me FIGHTING.
So I'd like to say Thank You to the Nicole Arbours of the world. To the Christine Emerson's. To the Jim Nelson's. To the people who at one point in my life made me feel "less than" and "worthless". Thank you for giving me a reason to keep fighting. You've only made me stronger. You've empowered me by showing me that I am stronger than you, than your words, than your misunderstanding and your judgmental hate. I am stronger than you gave me credit for. And I prove that every day.
People, words, actions... these things only have power over you if you allow them to have power over you.
And tomorrow is only as threatening as today we allow it to be.