Live the life you've dreamed of living

When I was a little girl, I had dreams of becoming a ballerina, a concert pianist, a singer, a writer, a lawyer, an actress, and a baker. I wanted to live out all the things that made my little heart happy - and those were the things that got my heart racing, and flooded my brain with hope, and ideas. I'm sure the random "lawyer" being thrown in there may have raised some eye brows - but it was possibly my biggest dream - but the most intangible. Not because I couldn't do it - I know I'd be a take no shit kind of lawyer - but at 18 years old - the prospect was overwhelming.

Sometime between midterms and losing my mind my freshman year of college - I kind of let my dreams die. I kind of let myself die, and I closed off any possible hope of fulfilling the dreams I had, at the time, not so very long ago. Who I was, what I was, where I was going... all those things just sort of stopped. I stopped writing. I stopped playing the piano. I stopped drawing, and making art. I stopped singing. I threw away the idea of becoming a part of a great law firm, and helping others. I became hollow. I stayed that way for almost 15 years.

I realize now that the path I took was exactly the one I had to take. I've never done anything the easy way - so why would my path to finding my purpose be any different? I shut myself down for almost two decades because I had to relearn how to love myself again - how to dream big - how to WANT to make my dreams come true. After meeting my husband in 2005, a part of me woke back up, and gingerly tip toed into the idea that my life would some day have purpose. I didn't put much weight into it - but I've allowed the thought to linger in the back ground for some time. BJ has always supported me in anything I've wanted to do. He's encouraged me in whatever new venture I've wanted to start - even if he knew it'd be a flop. He let me make mistakes. He let me dust off my wings, and try to fly again. And I'm grateful for that. I thought at one point I was too broken, too scarred. He showed me that my scars are what will make my (new) dreams come true.

I want to help people. I think part of why I pushed people away so much was that I couldn't relate to them. And I really struggled with finding ways to make connections with people. I always felt like I had nothing in common... or that I sounded ignorant, or pretentious, or fake. Part of it was that... I didn't have much "life" experience. I made shit up as I went along, and went with the motto "Fake it til you make it".

Going through what I have between the sexual abuse, the sexual assault, the self injury, the weight gains and loses, the self hate, food addiction, and poor body image... my character has changed from this bright blue eyed kid who wants to walk on her tip toes and make beautiful music - to a strong and fiercely resilient woman who has the experience and compassion to help others in similar situations.

Update: I started this entry on October 10th. I never finished it. At the time the words just sort of stopped. I haven't updated this blog since September 25th. In that time I've stopped seeing my therapist (because finances just don't allow for that right now), I've become a bit more jaded again, I've gained 7 lbs, and I've put things on "hold" for no good reason. That doesn't mean I've given up - it just means I needed a break. My mind hasn't been in a good place the past few months - and getting out of the rut has proven difficult. I've found I'm much more irritable, short tempered, quick to jump to conclusions, etc... old habits, anxiety, depression, etc etc. But, with Bj's help - I'm slowly pulling out of the rut I found myself in. We've been focused more on our marriage than we have the food and working out. Sometimes you need to step back, and focus on something that is equally important. Each other.

While I was whirling around in my body positive bubble, I was neglecting the other things in my life - most importantly - my husband. He's always been a source of support and encouragement - and working on myself IS a positive thing - I tend to be a "all or nothing" personality - so I was focused ENTIRELY on myself - and not enough on him. As a result, it led to misunderstanding, and hurt feelings, and the idea that we weren't giving each other what we needed.

The good news is that we recognized that - and because we believe in fixing things instead of just throwing them away - we're working on us.

Part of my goal of wanting to help others in the future with my history as a lesson is being able to also step back and recognize when I'm making mistakes. I can't truly help others if I can't help myself. So, baby steps. I'll get there. It'll just take more time.

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