I have Endometriosis, PCOS, and Hypothyroidism.
I had heard of endometriosis, but I never really read anything on it, and in my mind never had any cause to research it further. But, now that it's been thrown in my face - I have no choice but to educate myself on what this is. And it isn't pretty. The day I found out the news, I think I was more in shock than anything else. Not so much fear, but sadness. Anyone that knows me knows that I have never really entertained the idea of having children. I'm not the mothering type. I really don't like babies, and I hate pretending to know what the fuck a kid is talking about with their half formed words and high pitch squeaky voices. That's just me... I've just never been a kid person. But, I never totally eliminated the possibility that "some day" I might want to have a baby of my own. And I think what hurts the most about this is that - it's no longer "my choice". That choice has been taken away from me. It's no longer "maybe some day if I feel like I'm ready" - now it's "It's probably impossible, and unless I want to risk my health and putting my body under undo stress and medication forever". I've now moved away from fear - and I'm fully engulfed in sadness and anger.
Mentally - I can handle the PCOS and hypothyroidism. Emotionally - I am completely unprepared for what endometriosis means for me, for my husband, and for our future. And it breaks my heart knowing that there is a very real probability that Bj and I will never have a child that is of the two of us. There may never be someone to pass the flame to that is mixed with our blood. He would be a GREAT father. I've always known this about him. I have serious doubts about my ability as a mother - but I'd learn. I really don't know how to process this part of it. I see an oncologist on the 14th of this month - and will (hopefully) have more answers after that. I am trying to not freak myself out about it because I can so easily let this control my life - but I am so positively set on not allowing that to happen. I've worked entirely too damn hard.
Throwing in the towel at this stage would be stupid. It's not something that defines me, just as my weight doesn't define me, or my hair color, or my zodiac. It's just a part of my journey. With that I've decided that there can only be up from here. There can't be pity parties, or excuses, or stop living because of this. It's not terminal - and I can't let a diagnosis I wasn't anticipating give me an excuse to start acting like I'm not breathing. I know there will be hard days - just as there will be good days. My heart is heavy and it hurts - but it doesn't mean it will tomorrow. It could be better tomorrow - and that's the possibility to work towards.
Other than the medical stuff - Bj and I repainted our kitchen. I could not stand the kitchen anymore. It was making me nuts. Cooking in there was just unappealing, and the lighting sucked, and photographing things was impossible. So I got into my head that I wanted to build a coffee bar. Originally I was going to build it out of pallet wood and build it onto the wall - but we utilized our rolling island instead - and bought some really cute wall art. It's not finished - I still need to get little fairy lights to hang around the ceiling on that one wall to illuminate how neat this area is. But for now, this is how it turned out. I really love my kitchen, now. I enjoy being in it again.
This is what the area looked like before:
It was so cluttered and messy. This is what it looks like now (minus the fairy lights that I still need to get and put up):
We drink coffee all the time. So having a coffee bar was not that off the wall of an idea. Eventually I'll get a mini coffee pot for when guests come over - because really all we use is a french press. We entertained the idea of the Ninja coffee bar - but it really wouldn't be utilized. We like our coffee the way we make it now. No need to fix what's not broken.
We've been experimenting with new recipes - and I have a ton of stuff to upload here. I know, I've been slacking. Finding motivation to sit and edit photos for hours hasn't been very appealing. But, perhaps since I'm home sick with the death flu - I'll get a few hours of editing in so I can begin uploading my recipes again. I've decided with absolute certainty that Cauliflower crust pizza is my favorite pizza of all time. Fat head dough is good - but I just love cauli-crust. I'm not sure why that's relevant right now, but I thought I'd share.
Anyway - that's it for now.