Finding Peace in Sadness

Sometimes my heart is heavy for absolutely no reason. I can be reading my news feed on facebook, and WHAM! My heart hurts. It's rare that I get a few private moments to myself to allow myself to FEEL the sadness. I don't like being sad when other people are present. And I really hate crying in front of people. So, I usually suck it up and push it down - which I know is totally unhealthy, and something I should not be doing.

I have, in the past year, started listening to my heart, mind, and body more. I lived for so long wanting to be completely dissociative and numb that it took me a while to figure out the things my body was telling me. I'm still trying to figure some of it out. I deal with a lot of compulsion emotions, stemming from years of negative self talk, not dealing with my past, and not learning how to manage my anger properly. It's sort of like have a mangled mess of electrical wires tied up in knots. I'm still trying to unravel the mess.

But, sadness is something I'm feeling more, it seems. Not in bad ways. I think it's good to allow yourself to feel sadness and grief. There is a tenderness to my heart that allows walls to crumble slightly, and that sadness transforms into compassion, and empathy. It allows me to be more open to others, to feel what they are feeling, to give and receive love. So, while I may still be working on my anger control issues, I believe that my ability to soften when times call for it has improved.

Right now, I am sad. There is no particular reason. Nothing bad has happened, I'm just blue. And that's ok. I feel stronger for it.

There is such an ignorant stigma attached to showing emotions, that I think it creates a disconnect between everyone. We're not built to be alone, we're not built to hurt one another. Yet, we won't show emotion, because we concluded in some asinine way that it means weakness. I for one think that a person who has the ability to show and share their emotion has incredible strength to allow that kind of vulnerability to be seen by society. I'm working on that (as I said, I hate crying in front of people) but it's a social conditioning I think we all learned at a very young age.

Society has a "don't worry - be happy" sort of mantra that is unrealistic. You can't be 100% happy 100% of the time. It's emotionally and physically impossible. Happiness triggers brain chemistry to react in a "Ok, this is familiar and safe" sort of way, while a negative mood or sadness leaves a person more open to being vigilant, non-judgmental, and attentive. Happiness and sadness both have benefits. But to say that you can achieve happiness or a positive attitude all of the time is just not possible, nor is it healthy. Again, societal standards - if you're positive and happy = successful, while being sad or negative = not successful. This is simply not true.

I guess what I'm saying is - don't rush past the pain and sadness. Allow yourself to feel, and process it. Something that took me 35 years to realize, it's ok to feel your feelings. And it's ok to not be happy again based on someone elses time frame.


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