Getting out of my own way
This was posted on one of my introvert forums tonight, but it applied to me more from a health standpoint than an introvert one. I got into my own head last night. I wasn't in a good place. I WAS in a good place, then I set up the phone to take a video so Bj could see his kick form, and of course I was in the video. And I felt so disgusted with myself. I actually got a physical sickness type reaction that made me want to quit. And that old voice came back telling me I was disgusting, that I wasn't making any progress, that I should just give up.
I HATED what I saw in that video. I saw flabby arms that I am ALWAYS covering because I'm ashamed of them. I saw a fat face, and fat legs. I saw all the things that voice wanted me to see because that voice doesn't want me to succeed. Last night, it won. I was half assed with my work out. I had no desire to do anything but go to bed and sleep (Which didn't happen, either, btw).
That one video derailed me for a good 24 hours. I can't say, honestly, that I'm totally out of that head space - but it's better than it was last night. I am my own obstacle. My head is. I see the things that I want to see, depending on the mood I'm in. And that is so self sabotaging. It was one video, at a really bad angle (videoing from below us) and I made it out to be a bigger deal than it really was. Last night I wanted to quit. Last night... I wanted nothing more than to say fuck all this shit, I'm just destined to be fat forever.
Today, I'm fighting that voice, and those thoughts - because I still believe I'm worth the work it will take to get completely healthy. Every day is a battle - and every day I learn something new about myself, and about my goals. Today my goal is simply not to quit.
I can't stress enough how much of this journey is mental. It's not just about the food, the eating habits, the exercise. So much of this is getting right with yourself. Not believing in yourself is the #1 reason we fail. Telling ourselves that we can't do it, that it can't be done. This is why we fail. Changing your attitude about yourself, about your weaknesses, your strengths, your dreams, your goals... that is the most key point to all of this. Without a positive attitude - NOTHING will change. NOTHING will get better. I would know - I've been living it! Every single day for 90% of my life - I've been LIVING it. I've WANTED to change. I've WANTED to lose weight. But I didn't want to change my attitude. And it went on for so long, that I started believing the lies I would tell myself. That I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't strong enough. That I didn't deserve to be happy.
Last night was both a good reminder of how much work I still need to do, but also a testament to how strong I really am. Did I go binge eat the entire kitchen? No. Did I give up? No. I put a work out in tonight. I was enthusiastic about it. I wanted to do it. I didn't just want to get it over with. I was in the moment, and you know what - it felt good. Were my flabby arms flapping about? You betcha! Was my fat jiggling around like a water wave? Yep, it sure was. And you know what? Who. The. Fuck. Cares. Unless you're here to help motivate me - your opinion of my flab is meaningless to me. Unless you are here to put in the work, too, your comments about my body are void. The only thing I have room for in my life are people who lift others up, and people who motivate me and challenge me to better myself.
Not every day is going to be a good day, I realize that. Does it get frustrating? Of course it does. Seriously, right now, I just want to cry. Not because I'm in a really bad head space right now - but because I didn't fully grieve last night the feelings I had about myself. But, I know that tomorrow the sun is going to rise, and it's another chance to do better than yesterday. Tomorrow is another gift to push myself further, another step closer to my goal.
I'm no longer fixated on a number, or a size, or skin removal surgery - which were things that I (Secretly) still had jogging around in my brain as important. But they're not. The only thing that is important is that I'm healthy, I'm happy, that I'm helping others, that I'm being positive, and that I don't give up. The rest will fall into place when it's time.